Archive for Musings

Musician Vanity

January 2, 2009 · Filed under Deep Thoughts and Aphorisms, Musings · Tagged

What is the ultimate dream of a musician? To be able to perform on all big stages, the bigger the better. The Sydney Opera House, Singapore’s Esplanade or Some-other-country’s concert hall. It’s hard to put an explanation down on why this is so but maybe finally someone can explain this phenomenon.

It’s the musician vanity, as explained by the scriptwriter of Beethoven Virus who has finally nailed it and unravelled this puzzle thereby enlightening this one extremely vain musician.

Maybe the reason why people are unwilling to pay for concert tickets are because there is an increasing number of substandard musicians who deem themselves pro-standard which leads them to believe they have the ability to perform for money. They can play in parks, on sidewalks or anywhere they want but why must a musician insist on playing on a stage?

It’s vanity, I tell you. And vanity like all other undesirable traits is twisted and although one knows it should be given up on and thrown far away, none is willing to.

I’m not, is anyone?

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Christmas

December 25, 2008 · Filed under Happiness, Musings · Tagged ,

It’s Christmas here in Singapore though it doesn’t seem like it’s Christmas. There’s no snow, no white and no coolness against my cheek but it is indeed Christmas, and my favourite time of the year.

I don’t know why I like it so much. I don’t feel extremely elated nor excited but there’s this feeling of calmness within me. When I tell my friends it’s my favourite time, they smile and ask me if it’s because of all the presents. I pause and think for a little while. The presents are just incentives but If it were because of presents I would love my birthday more. Mathematically, presents don’t make Christmas lovelier than my birthday.

I think it’s because weeks before Christmas everybody is getting ready for it. One can smell the feeling of Christmas, the tingle of the excitement saturating the air and leaving no room for hatred. Everyone is finally thinking of someone else and less of themselves because there’s this need to get gifts for others on this day of giving. I guess having the air filled with love and less of hatred and the stench of ego makes me like Christmas so much.

In the end, it’s all about the love, though my only dream for Christmas is for it to be white.

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My Life

August 31, 2008 · Filed under Deep Thoughts and Aphorisms, Musings · Tagged ,

“I’ve made a living out of being a failure.” – Manny, A Bug’s Life (1998)

“That’s our lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s our life.” – Queen, A Bug’s Life (1998)

It’s officially Teacher’s Day here in Singapore, and the quote from Manny in A Bug’s Life is just too appropriate for me to miss documenting about it. It’s a wonder how I managed to get to where I am now, being a music teacher, being a musician and being able to perform on the bigger stages when I’ve been a failure all my life.

I don’t think there’s even one thing I’ve done right in my entire life. It sounds very depressing and wrong when I pen it but there’s really a certain amount of truth when I say that. Even where I’m standing in my profession, contrary to what everyone says, I’m not even remotely good in music. Not the slightest, and I dismiss all praise as hypocrisy, flattery or just plain ignorance. Whenever I hear praise, I can’t help but go red because all I see and hear out of my performance, if it even constitutes as one, is a joke. A seasoned professional wouldn’t even bat an eyelid to my performance, tap their foot nor would they sway ever the slightest to the music I make. The only movement they would make is to cover their ears with their hands and yell “Stop!”. No, no, not an ounce of this is humility, I assure everyone around me. This is nothing, nothing but the truth. Cold and hard just like it always is. I can’t speak of anything else other than music because I have nothing else to speak of. I guess having nothing else to speak of really shows the extent of failure in my life.

I’m a failure because I’m a failure in the only thing I do.

Nevertheless, I smile at my own failure because I’ve making a living out of it. I’m self-sufficient to say the least and even though I know I am a failure, everyone else thinks otherwise and just believes in me. I’m not saying the rest are fools but I guess they just have really low expectations of me and I’m certainly not complaining. I’m just embarrassed sometimes because I wonder if these people actually know they are not looking at the truth when they are looking at me. Sometimes I just want to scream that I’m a lie and a hoax and make everyone believe, accept and still love me for being such a stupid failure. I think if I were to do that, everyone would just brush it off at first but after the thought starts manifesting in them, they’ll start to see the light and I guess everyone would just scorn at my presence then.

I think the only people who really knows I’m such a failure are my family members. They may shake their heads, speak up for me and deny it, but only they know the amount of truth within. I guess that’s what makes family members so special because they never ever want to believe or admit that their sister, child, brother or parents have been such a failure. As for me, I’m a lucky girl because I never have to entertain such conflicting thoughts since my family members are just lovely and definitely far from being failures.

Oh well, I’ve started a new chapter of my life and even though the starting is not oh-so-glamourous, at least this time I may not fail. I’m working hard even though it doesn’t seem like I am to others, but like I said, the best I can be is really just this much. Even though it may seem like another dent in my life wouldn’t make much of a difference, I really want this to work out and I’m working very hard, planning and hoping to unfold another chapter with lots of effort.

This seems like a depressing post although it has no amount of depression within. It’s just all very paradoxical but I guess too much failure ultimately all adds up nicely to make some kind of success. At the very least, I managed to fool all, if not most of the people around me.

That’s my lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s my life.

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Catching Emotions

May 27, 2008 · Filed under Musings, Random · Tagged

I’m lost today. I’m neither here nor there. Neither happy nor sad. It’s like being on a boat that’s sailing on land. You feel it rocking, your palms are sweaty. You’re afraid you’re going to drown but you never will because you’re on solid ground.

I’m getting lost in all my emotions of happiness, depression, confusion, anger and being tickled. To sum all these up, I guess I’m jaded. Right now I’m trying to catch hold of these emotions one by one. Trying catch them by their wispy tails and feeling through them.

Ahh, I just caught anger. It’s within me again. This anger is different from the one I feel before. It’s wanting to burst out of me. The feeling is most prominent at my forehead. I can visualise the anger pouring out of my forehead and temples like a volcanic eruption. It spurts out like an acidic and burning inferno, leaving nothing in its path. Eradicating those I have such hatred for in a violent swipe, torturing them with the pain they inflict on me a thousand fold. They scream and writhe as they understand I have no need to endure their mind-wrenching nonsense. Depression comes as a side dish to anger. Like wasabi to sashimi. I hate wasabi.

Tickles come in the form of silly actions of mine and sms-es today. Like mashed potatoes! I love mashed potatoes!

Happiness is harder to catch. It slips through my fingers as it makes me a little light headed. It loves a game of hide-and-seek. I’m having a little headache as my soul turns and distorts itself trying to catch a wisp of happiness. It’s very ironic, but my mind wrenches as if someone is squeezing the water out of a wet cloth. The hands of happiness toys with my brains as I try to capture it. It twists and squeezes my brains. I can visualise the membranes of my brains being squeezed and twisted so tightly they turn transparent and you can see it almost threatening to pop and spilling brain juice all over the place. Okay, I give up trying to capture happiness. I’m not about to clean up my table that has been messed up with my brain juice, thank you very much. I guess I’ll feel happier with happiness feeling happier being free and not toying with my brains.

Confusion swims past my eyes as I look at my white female mouse that eats only money. You ask how I know it’s female. It has blusher and eyelashes, matter-of-factly pointed out by a friend, as opposed to the grey mouse that has no blusher nor eyelashes. I’m confused because the mouse looks confused. Confusion sends a shiver up my spine, through my teeth and up till the tip of my head. It’s not the same kind of shiver you feel when you’re afraid or anxious. It’s the kind of confused shiver that makes you want to grind your teeth with confusion. She looks at me and I’m wondering when she’ll open her already open mouth and ask me when I’m going to feed her, with money of course. I’m confused because I don’t know if I should keep my money in my wallet or feed the mouse with it. I’m confused because the mouse has one ear that’s bigger than the other, and to take money out of it I’ll have to wrench her head off. Oooh, violent!

I guess I could use my time more wisely like sleeping instead of catching emotions at an ungodly hour of 0130.

Well, I was never known for my wisdom.

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Cleaning my palate

April 15, 2008 · Filed under Daily Events, Musings · Tagged ,

Journaling seems to be like what an egg, or mushroom (must be a nice mushroom, mind you), does to a meal. Eggs, or mushroom for any matter, cleans the entire palate. I don’t know if it’s the right description, but I always like to finish my meal with the egg which I saved for last. Journaling the day’s event is just like that too. Gives you the feeling that your day is about to end. Not in the literal meaning of course, since it’s already 3 in the morning. So technically speaking, my day ended 3 hours ago and the day which I am speaking of has just started.

Actually I had my day all planned out. Tuesday is my only rest day of the week so it requires detailed planning so I wouldn’t let my only rest day go to waste. I was to go for piano lesson at 10 in the morning, then I’ll go visit 大伯 and 大伯母. Mummy wanted me to bring some korean vcds which she promised them. I figured out I didn’t want to strain my shoulder so I brought the thinnest vcd box. the others were huge! During piano lesson, Ju called and told me the VS stuff arrived! So I thought I would go over to Hougang to visit and collect my cardigan from her. After my lesson, I called Fel to ask for directions to Hougang and found out there was a straight bus to Hougang. Great! Unfortunately, all my lovely plans were dashed when 大伯 told me they were going to be out for the day. Since I had time to kill, I decided to visit grandma.

Bought her 鱼片汤, 豆花, 洋糁水 and some vegetable buns, and walked in the hot sunshine all the way to the nursing home. Nevermind, Vitamin D. I realised maybe grandma doesn’t like fish soups anymore. I think everyone has been buying her that since the doctors told us to cut down on oily food otherwise it would clog her arteries and she’s getting tired of it. Moreover, she has a hard time chewing through the vegetables. She enjoyed the 豆花, though I regretted not telling the vendor to leave out the sugar syrup. I did want to tell him to leave it out, but I thought it would be very tasteless and I wanted her to eat something sweet instead of something tasteless which she gets fed everyday. I did tell him to put less sugar syrup though. Next time I’m going to tell him I want very. little. syrup.

Came home after visiting grandma, and slept for the entire day in hunger up till 8 pm.

Wanted to write about the time spent with grandma, but I guess I got carried away with the day’s events. I’ll leave that for another entry since it requires serious and deep thoughts.

Cleaning out my palate for the day.

Not very tasteful.

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