I’m
- proud
- mean
- ambitious
- a hypocrite
- narcissistic
- weird
- impatient
- hot-tempered
- rude
- critical
- selfish
- lazy
- eccentric
Is it too late for me to change my negative traits?
Thank you for standing by me. If you think you deserve my gratitude, you probably do, so thank you again. I guess even the worst people have friends.
The reason why God created good people was so bad people like me wouldn’t be too lonely.
What is the ultimate dream of a musician? To be able to perform on all big stages, the bigger the better. The Sydney Opera House, Singapore’s Esplanade or Some-other-country’s concert hall. It’s hard to put an explanation down on why this is so but maybe finally someone can explain this phenomenon.
It’s the musician vanity, as explained by the scriptwriter of Beethoven Virus who has finally nailed it and unravelled this puzzle thereby enlightening this one extremely vain musician.
Maybe the reason why people are unwilling to pay for concert tickets are because there is an increasing number of substandard musicians who deem themselves pro-standard which leads them to believe they have the ability to perform for money. They can play in parks, on sidewalks or anywhere they want but why must a musician insist on playing on a stage?
It’s vanity, I tell you. And vanity like all other undesirable traits is twisted and although one knows it should be given up on and thrown far away, none is willing to.
I’m not, is anyone?
“I’ve made a living out of being a failure.” – Manny, A Bug’s Life (1998)
“That’s our lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s our life.” – Queen, A Bug’s Life (1998)
It’s officially Teacher’s Day here in Singapore, and the quote from Manny in A Bug’s Life is just too appropriate for me to miss documenting about it. It’s a wonder how I managed to get to where I am now, being a music teacher, being a musician and being able to perform on the bigger stages when I’ve been a failure all my life.
I don’t think there’s even one thing I’ve done right in my entire life. It sounds very depressing and wrong when I pen it but there’s really a certain amount of truth when I say that. Even where I’m standing in my profession, contrary to what everyone says, I’m not even remotely good in music. Not the slightest, and I dismiss all praise as hypocrisy, flattery or just plain ignorance. Whenever I hear praise, I can’t help but go red because all I see and hear out of my performance, if it even constitutes as one, is a joke. A seasoned professional wouldn’t even bat an eyelid to my performance, tap their foot nor would they sway ever the slightest to the music I make. The only movement they would make is to cover their ears with their hands and yell “Stop!”. No, no, not an ounce of this is humility, I assure everyone around me. This is nothing, nothing but the truth. Cold and hard just like it always is. I can’t speak of anything else other than music because I have nothing else to speak of. I guess having nothing else to speak of really shows the extent of failure in my life.
I’m a failure because I’m a failure in the only thing I do.
Nevertheless, I smile at my own failure because I’ve making a living out of it. I’m self-sufficient to say the least and even though I know I am a failure, everyone else thinks otherwise and just believes in me. I’m not saying the rest are fools but I guess they just have really low expectations of me and I’m certainly not complaining. I’m just embarrassed sometimes because I wonder if these people actually know they are not looking at the truth when they are looking at me. Sometimes I just want to scream that I’m a lie and a hoax and make everyone believe, accept and still love me for being such a stupid failure. I think if I were to do that, everyone would just brush it off at first but after the thought starts manifesting in them, they’ll start to see the light and I guess everyone would just scorn at my presence then.
I think the only people who really knows I’m such a failure are my family members. They may shake their heads, speak up for me and deny it, but only they know the amount of truth within. I guess that’s what makes family members so special because they never ever want to believe or admit that their sister, child, brother or parents have been such a failure. As for me, I’m a lucky girl because I never have to entertain such conflicting thoughts since my family members are just lovely and definitely far from being failures.
Oh well, I’ve started a new chapter of my life and even though the starting is not oh-so-glamourous, at least this time I may not fail. I’m working hard even though it doesn’t seem like I am to others, but like I said, the best I can be is really just this much. Even though it may seem like another dent in my life wouldn’t make much of a difference, I really want this to work out and I’m working very hard, planning and hoping to unfold another chapter with lots of effort.
This seems like a depressing post although it has no amount of depression within. It’s just all very paradoxical but I guess too much failure ultimately all adds up nicely to make some kind of success. At the very least, I managed to fool all, if not most of the people around me.
That’s my lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s my life.
What is selflessness? How do we quantify it? We can’t see it nor feel it. It has no smell or sound. But we can feel it. Not in our hands nor skin, but in our hearts. The catch? We only feel it after death. Some are more fortunate. They feel it after escaping death. Humans are selfish. We want our loved ones to live longer than us because we can’t bear the pain of losing them. We dare not face death; neither our own nor theirs.
Good people die early. That’s what I believe. The world is an evil place, and those most holy and saint would leave this place of utter horror to join those in paradise, to rest in the arms of our Father in eternity. So many have left before us to join those above in praise and joy. We can weep, but should not grieve. Our tears mark their place on this earth and the place in our hearts. The sorrow is temporary, and we should rejoice that they have left this place devoid of true love to bask in it in eternity. They have done what they were sent to accomplish, and are now rewarded with the Father’s approving eyes gazing shiningly upon them.
How much courage or folly does a person have to say they want to live one more day? Sure, that day may bring happiness. Or sorrow so great the heart tears and rips but nevertheless stays in one piece. Pumping the agony through every inch of one’s body. How prepared are we to face the new day? As the sun rises, it brings hope. But never forget the sun always has to set to give way to the dark and cold night, with the only thing illuminating our hearts: the hope that the sun rises once again. And it will.
Living one more day than you.
That’s selflessness.
To what lengths would one go to celebrate the birthday of their loved ones? Would you bring your loved ones to the best restaurant in town? Buy her a diamond jewelry? Spend your entire fortune on them? Would you?
After Brendan’s concert today, I went to dinner with Papa, Mummy and Clarence. As I was eating, I witnessed a person with down syndrome, celebrating the birthday of her grandmother. I can’t be sure of her age, since she’s with down syndrome, but my guess would be around 15-25. She was holding to this transparent plastic box which are used for packing kuehs, and inside was a single slice of cake. It was obvious the cake was cheap, most probably from a stall in the food court. There was a single lighted candle in the cake as she brought it to the table her grandmother was at. I wanted to take a picture of them but I didn’t. Wanted to freeze this moment of immense love but I couldn’t. We left the food court approximately the same time as them, and as we left, I saw her holding onto a stalk of rose, presumably for her grandmother.
This simple action of the girl holding onto the slice of cake and walking towards her grandmother almost brought time to a standstill. It’s like a scene on television where everything moves at half the speed. That was the exact feeling I had as she was walking past. The look of innocence on her face, the joy, the love. And as the candlelight flickered away, you could almost see the life of these two people flash past. The love binding the relationship between a granddaughter and her grandmother. How much further they have gone in life as compared to anyone in that time and situation, to dedicate their lives to one another. That is how much they would go to show their love.
There’s just too much pain in this simple action of seeing someone with such a disability performing such a sweet act. It tears my heart apart because I want it so much just to go forward and buy them a big cake. Something both of them love. A chocolate cake maybe. Buy them so much food they’ll have to ask me to stop. Buy gifts for the grandmother and the girl to show them they have other people besides themselves who love them. Hug and kiss them. Get their contact number and maybe their address so I can do a part in loving and taking care of them.
Maybe the reason why I feel so bad is because I’m disappointed with my lack of courage to do this. Disappointed with my lack of love. Disappointed that these are only thoughts that will never materialise. If actions speak louder than words, are worth a thousand words, then all these useless thoughts are nothing more than the dirt that everyone steps beneath their feet. Worthless. Unhelpful. Meaningless.
All I hope and pray is for God’s blessing to be upon them in every single step of their lives. Although that is of no use, no help and no act of love on my part, God’s blessing is the best thing anyone can receive. It doesn’t make me feel any less remorseful, but I hope they will be blessed forever until they return to the house of the Lord, where I’ll sincerely apologise for my act of selfishness.
A slice of cake, a candle, a stalk of rose. A multitude of love in eternity.
That is how much I would go for all those I love.
And I pray I would learn to go this far for strangers one day.
I realise I’m missing so much from not studying anymore. I’m missing on being able to catch up with friends that might have studied in the same school as me and I know this is one part of me which I will never be able to experience. All of them are graduating soon and where does that leave me hanging?
It’s not too bad if you have a lot of people you still keep in touch with. As much as I’d like to believe it, I don’t think I was ever much of a people-person. Maybe it’s just the way I carry myself. Too much pride, some would say. Some people just have it all made for them. They have that natural charisma that draws people to them. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people. Sure, I can speak well. I articulate well. But I guess that leaves you nowhere if no one bothers about what you’re saying. Hypocrite, they whisper.
I’m not lamenting. I’m happy with the people I keep in contact with. But it’s just too sad looking at friends gathering but you’re not involved. I know it’s not because they didn’t want to invite me (that would have been much worse if I let myself think that), but because we’ve simply just lost touch. And it’s heart wrenching looking at photos of friends that once studied with you, even those you’ve once hated in your childish years. So much feelings just by looking at the screen and staring at those pictures. You want it so much, just to reach out and be able to touch their faces, and tell them say, I’ve really liked you once. To tell them, I’ve disliked you before, but now I want to know you once again.
I miss my friends. I really do. And I hope somewhere and someplace, someone out there is thinking of me. Thinking how good it would be to talk to me again. Maybe it’s because all these times I’ve not experienced someone I would really like to keep with me forever. I’ve once had this feeling, and I want to keep it with me. But it’s slipping through my fingers. I don’t know why it’s becoming harder communicating with people around me. I just want to see someone, hug them and tell them how much I’ve missed them. How much emotions have poured through me, into me and out of me as I sit here typing these out.
Maybe it’s because I’m becoming less adept in using words to communicate. Maybe I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings, or show them. Maybe it’s because I’m too proud to show them. But nothing can materialise the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’, or in my case, ‘a picture speaks louder than words’, more than looking at them having fun. The joy on their faces. Their lives documented in pictures and videos, but I’m on the other end of a lifeless screen. Nothing more than heat coming out from the desktop. No warmth, no friendliness, no love. Nothing.
And it’s on all these days that I feel worthless. Feel that I’m a total failure. Regret my actions in the past. Why didn’t I do this, or why didn’t I do that. Regret and remorse is multiplied ten, hundred, a thousand fold in these times. The emptiness of nothing eats at you. It devours you till you can’t see yourself anymore.
Looking at those photos may show I’m not someone worth keeping in touch with. It’s not a fact, and I know it, but it proves that human relationships are as fragile as it seems. Maybe even more. I’ve taken granted of all the times I could have made my life a little better, for then, the present or the future. I too, have lost touch with people I want to hold dear to, but sometimes one wonders where the fine line is between keeping in touch and being a bother. I try to tread carefully, too carefully in fact, that maybe I allow others to forget me.
I think it’s because I don’t have enough love in my heart to give. That’s why others don’t find enough love to give to me. Life is very fair, and that is how I want to see it. If I give enough care and concern to someone else without thinking too much about how they would view me, maybe one day I might reap something. I’ve deluded myself all this time in thinking love doesn’t need any kind of reciprocation. You give and expect nothing back. Sure, when I give I don’t expect anything. But when you see others basking in love, you want to be on the receiving end. You want it so much words cannot even begin to describe it.
Friends. You think they are something that comes into your life. You take them for granted. You love them and expect them to stay with you forever. One never expects them to leave. To completely erase you, or vice-versa, from their lives. Not by their will, but by time. One never truly understands the importance of having friendship. It’s too deep a knowledge to quantify or study. I know and I want to believe I have a place in their hearts. As big a place as they can give me. I feel like I’m slowly being squished out of everyone’s life. They are slowly forgetting me, and it’s beginning to look like the only evidence of me ever crossing their paths is my email on their MSN contact list. That thought in itself is totally heart wrenching. Everybody tells you they care, but sometimes one cannot help but doubt the extent of truth in such a superficial statement.
As reality sets in, I can’t see where my place on this earth is. But it’s right here, at the place where I am.
Where I’m standing, I feel like I’m slowly losing myself to time.
Always wanted to start this journaling business but I always thought it’s a little stupid because I can just keep all my feelings to myself. No real need to type or say anything out. But recently I’ve been feeling this urge to say a lot of things. And I think it’s even more stupid to talk to Little-Miss-Imaginary. I don’t really like to open up my heart to others because I feel like others will judge me for who I am. I don’t feel like I should bother people about it, and on the other hand, maybe I’m just afraid to face the truth that they really can’t be bothered about the problems I have. Covering up myself with a lot of layers doesn’t matter anymore to me. I’m always smiling, or well, angry, but never sad. I’m too proud to allow others to see me in any kind of depressed state.
These few days I’m questioning myself if I’m really happy. Apparently I want to think I am living happily, so I delude myself into thinking I’m happy. Sure, I’m not depressed, but neither am I really elated with my life. It’s getting a little mundane for me. I want to do something new, but I’m still thinking of my family for every single decision I make. I feel like I still can’t get out of this living-for-others cycle. But I’m not fighting it either. Because I like thinking that others are happy. I wouldn’t call myself self sacrificial. I’m not so egoistic to call myself that. I just need something new to spice up my life a little. Teaching is cool, it’s fun, especially when I’m teaching music, something I really like. And these days I’m also questioning myself. Do I really like music so much? Or am I just holding on to something real? The only real thing in my life that’s worth holding onto? Is that why I delude myself into believing I really love music to that extent?
So many things to delude oneself about. When is it going to stop? Do we, or do I really want to stop deluding myself? The more I think the more I feel like I can’t let go of certain things because sometimes I really feel like such a failure. Well, it’s not too bad to be a failure if I still think I’m worth something. I’m a failure who’s not exactly worthless. That’s still something isn’t it? It’s good there are musicians and lyricists out there who help us relieve our emotions through songs. It makes you think a lot about who you are and your purpose in life.
I’m a little disappointed with my friends sometimes. I feel such bitterness but I’m definitely sure it’s not jealousy. I may delude myself about my personal stuff, but when it comes down to others, I’m always honest. I just feel like she’s worth so much more than who she thinks is worthy of her. She deserves something much better. And as for him, I’m just disappointed he can use his friends and look down upon our feelings. It’s a literal step on our dignity. Everybody should learn that lies don’t help you get friendship or relationships. I should learn that too. I have my own skeletons in my closet, so why am I acting so dignified? Friendship and relationships should be maintained only with one’s heart. Nothing more is required. Nothing. At least I’ve tried my best. I’m definitely not deluding myself into saying I’m using the whole of my heart, because I am. Even if I was to end the friendship, I’ve ended it on a sweet note. I gave her a treat, whether it’s to end the friendship or symbolize the friendship I never had a chance to materialize or speak of. Sometimes I feel like such a fool because I don’t think she appreciates it. I don’t want others to think I’m poking my nose into their matters because I really am not. It’s so hard to be concerned for someone because sometimes it’s so hard not to cross the thin line between true concern and nosiness. I truly hope that for myself, I can be honest to myself and to others that I want to show my concern. I think actions really speak a thousand words.
I am thankful though, that I still have friends whom I can count on and know that they really care for me. Though I can see certain character flaws in them too, but no one is perfect, and who am I as an extremely flawed person to judge. But at least for one, they care, using actions, not words. I’m very happy sometimes when I talk to her, she seems really interested in how I’m going to mould my future. I discuss my inner hopes, my dreams and my ambitions with her. She doesn’t put me down, she encourages me and I feel like my life has steered in a certain direction because of her. She’s always concerned with my next step, reminds me to do certain things, helps me with my life. She’s one of the people I open up most too, because I feel like she doesn’t judge me. I wouldn’t call her my best friend or anything like that, and I regret that she is concerned more for me than I am for her. For this I am sorry to her. Maybe it’s because in this relationship she takes the driver’s seat. So I just sit back and enjoy the concern she gives me. Nevertheless, I promise to do whatever I can for her. I hope God gives me more strength and space in my heart for her. I hope our relationship improves for the better, especially on my part.
Very fair isn’t it? Life gives some and takes some. I hope I see life always like that. Count my blessings, give and share the love God has given me to those around me. Need more time, not to earn more money but to share more love. Need to break down my walls of pride, learn to accept everyone.
Humility and love, is of utmost importance.
