“I’ve made a living out of being a failure.” – Manny, A Bug’s Life (1998)

“That’s our lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s our life.” – Queen, A Bug’s Life (1998)

It’s officially Teacher’s Day here in Singapore, and the quote from Manny in A Bug’s Life is just too appropriate for me to miss documenting about it. It’s a wonder how I managed to get to where I am now, being a music teacher, being a musician and being able to perform on the bigger stages when I’ve been a failure all my life.

I don’t think there’s even one thing I’ve done right in my entire life. It sounds very depressing and wrong when I pen it but there’s really a certain amount of truth when I say that. Even where I’m standing in my profession, contrary to what everyone says, I’m not even remotely good in music. Not the slightest, and I dismiss all praise as hypocrisy, flattery or just plain ignorance. Whenever I hear praise, I can’t help but go red because all I see and hear out of my performance, if it even constitutes as one, is a joke. A seasoned professional wouldn’t even bat an eyelid to my performance, tap their foot nor would they sway ever the slightest to the music I make. The only movement they would make is to cover their ears with their hands and yell “Stop!”. No, no, not an ounce of this is humility, I assure everyone around me. This is nothing, nothing but the truth. Cold and hard just like it always is. I can’t speak of anything else other than music because I have nothing else to speak of. I guess having nothing else to speak of really shows the extent of failure in my life.

I’m a failure because I’m a failure in the only thing I do.

Nevertheless, I smile at my own failure because I’ve making a living out of it. I’m self-sufficient to say the least and even though I know I am a failure, everyone else thinks otherwise and just believes in me. I’m not saying the rest are fools but I guess they just have really low expectations of me and I’m certainly not complaining. I’m just embarrassed sometimes because I wonder if these people actually know they are not looking at the truth when they are looking at me. Sometimes I just want to scream that I’m a lie and a hoax and make everyone believe, accept and still love me for being such a stupid failure. I think if I were to do that, everyone would just brush it off at first but after the thought starts manifesting in them, they’ll start to see the light and I guess everyone would just scorn at my presence then.

I think the only people who really knows I’m such a failure are my family members. They may shake their heads, speak up for me and deny it, but only they know the amount of truth within. I guess that’s what makes family members so special because they never ever want to believe or admit that their sister, child, brother or parents have been such a failure. As for me, I’m a lucky girl because I never have to entertain such conflicting thoughts since my family members are just lovely and definitely far from being failures.

Oh well, I’ve started a new chapter of my life and even though the starting is not oh-so-glamourous, at least this time I may not fail. I’m working hard even though it doesn’t seem like I am to others, but like I said, the best I can be is really just this much. Even though it may seem like another dent in my life wouldn’t make much of a difference, I really want this to work out and I’m working very hard, planning and hoping to unfold another chapter with lots of effort.

This seems like a depressing post although it has no amount of depression within. It’s just all very paradoxical but I guess too much failure ultimately all adds up nicely to make some kind of success. At the very least, I managed to fool all, if not most of the people around me.

That’s my lot in life. It’s not a lot, but it’s my life.