Always wanted to start this journaling business but I always thought it’s a little stupid because I can just keep all my feelings to myself. No real need to type or say anything out. But recently I’ve been feeling this urge to say a lot of things. And I think it’s even more stupid to talk to Little-Miss-Imaginary. I don’t really like to open up my heart to others because I feel like others will judge me for who I am. I don’t feel like I should bother people about it, and on the other hand, maybe I’m just afraid to face the truth that they really can’t be bothered about the problems I have. Covering up myself with a lot of layers doesn’t matter anymore to me. I’m always smiling, or well, angry, but never sad. I’m too proud to allow others to see me in any kind of depressed state.

These few days I’m questioning myself if I’m really happy. Apparently I want to think I am living happily, so I delude myself into thinking I’m happy. Sure, I’m not depressed, but neither am I really elated with my life. It’s getting a little mundane for me. I want to do something new, but I’m still thinking of my family for every single decision I make. I feel like I still can’t get out of this living-for-others cycle. But I’m not fighting it either. Because I like thinking that others are happy. I wouldn’t call myself self sacrificial. I’m not so egoistic to call myself that. I just need something new to spice up my life a little. Teaching is cool, it’s fun, especially when I’m teaching music, something I really like. And these days I’m also questioning myself. Do I really like music so much? Or am I just holding on to something real? The only real thing in my life that’s worth holding onto? Is that why I delude myself into believing I really love music to that extent?

So many things to delude oneself about. When is it going to stop? Do we, or do I really want to stop deluding myself? The more I think the more I feel like I can’t let go of certain things because sometimes I really feel like such a failure. Well, it’s not too bad to be a failure if I still think I’m worth something. I’m a failure who’s not exactly worthless. That’s still something isn’t it? It’s good there are musicians and lyricists out there who help us relieve our emotions through songs. It makes you think a lot about who you are and your purpose in life.

I’m a little disappointed with my friends sometimes. I feel such bitterness but I’m definitely sure it’s not jealousy. I may delude myself about my personal stuff, but when it comes down to others, I’m always honest. I just feel like she’s worth so much more than who she thinks is worthy of her. She deserves something much better. And as for him, I’m just disappointed he can use his friends and look down upon our feelings. It’s a literal step on our dignity. Everybody should learn that lies don’t help you get friendship or relationships. I should learn that too. I have my own skeletons in my closet, so why am I acting so dignified? Friendship and relationships should be maintained only with one’s heart. Nothing more is required. Nothing. At least I’ve tried my best. I’m definitely not deluding myself into saying I’m using the whole of my heart, because I am. Even if I was to end the friendship, I’ve ended it on a sweet note. I gave her a treat, whether it’s to end the friendship or symbolize the friendship I never had a chance to materialize or speak of. Sometimes I feel like such a fool because I don’t think she appreciates it. I don’t want others to think I’m poking my nose into their matters because I really am not. It’s so hard to be concerned for someone because sometimes it’s so hard not to cross the thin line between true concern and nosiness. I truly hope that for myself, I can be honest to myself and to others that I want to show my concern. I think actions really speak a thousand words.

I am thankful though, that I still have friends whom I can count on and know that they really care for me. Though I can see certain character flaws in them too, but no one is perfect, and who am I as an extremely flawed person to judge. But at least for one, they care, using actions, not words. I’m very happy sometimes when I talk to her, she seems really interested in how I’m going to mould my future. I discuss my inner hopes, my dreams and my ambitions with her. She doesn’t put me down, she encourages me and I feel like my life has steered in a certain direction because of her. She’s always concerned with my next step, reminds me to do certain things, helps me with my life. She’s one of the people I open up most too, because I feel like she doesn’t judge me. I wouldn’t call her my best friend or anything like that, and I regret that she is concerned more for me than I am for her. For this I am sorry to her. Maybe it’s because in this relationship she takes the driver’s seat. So I just sit back and enjoy the concern she gives me. Nevertheless, I promise to do whatever I can for her. I hope God gives me more strength and space in my heart for her. I hope our relationship improves for the better, especially on my part.

Very fair isn’t it? Life gives some and takes some. I hope I see life always like that. Count my blessings, give and share the love God has given me to those around me. Need more time, not to earn more money but to share more love. Need to break down my walls of pride, learn to accept everyone.

Humility and love, is of utmost importance.