Archive for April, 2008

How Far?

April 27, 2008 · Filed under Deep Thoughts and Aphorisms · Tagged , ,

To what lengths would one go to celebrate the birthday of their loved ones? Would you bring your loved ones to the best restaurant in town? Buy her a diamond jewelry? Spend your entire fortune on them? Would you?

After Brendan’s concert today, I went to dinner with Papa, Mummy and Clarence. As I was eating, I witnessed a person with down syndrome, celebrating the birthday of her grandmother. I can’t be sure of her age, since she’s with down syndrome, but my guess would be around 15-25. She was holding to this transparent plastic box which are used for packing kuehs, and inside was a single slice of cake. It was obvious the cake was cheap, most probably from a stall in the food court. There was a single lighted candle in the cake as she brought it to the table her grandmother was at. I wanted to take a picture of them but I didn’t. Wanted to freeze this moment of immense love but I couldn’t. We left the food court approximately the same time as them, and as we left, I saw her holding onto a stalk of rose, presumably for her grandmother.

This simple action of the girl holding onto the slice of cake and walking towards her grandmother almost brought time to a standstill. It’s like a scene on television where everything moves at half the speed. That was the exact feeling I had as she was walking past. The look of innocence on her face, the joy, the love. And as the candlelight flickered away, you could almost see the life of these two people flash past. The love binding the relationship between a granddaughter and her grandmother. How much further they have gone in life as compared to anyone in that time and situation, to dedicate their lives to one another. That is how much they would go to show their love.

There’s just too much pain in this simple action of seeing someone with such a disability performing such a sweet act. It tears my heart apart because I want it so much just to go forward and buy them a big cake. Something both of them love. A chocolate cake maybe. Buy them so much food they’ll have to ask me to stop. Buy gifts for the grandmother and the girl to show them they have other people besides themselves who love them. Hug and kiss them. Get their contact number and maybe their address so I can do a part in loving and taking care of them.

Maybe the reason why I feel so bad is because I’m disappointed with my lack of courage to do this. Disappointed with my lack of love. Disappointed that these are only thoughts that will never materialise. If actions speak louder than words, are worth a thousand words, then all these useless thoughts are nothing more than the dirt that everyone steps beneath their feet. Worthless. Unhelpful. Meaningless.

All I hope and pray is for God’s blessing to be upon them in every single step of their lives. Although that is of no use, no help and no act of love on my part, God’s blessing is the best thing anyone can receive. It doesn’t make me feel any less remorseful, but I hope they will be blessed forever until they return to the house of the Lord, where I’ll sincerely apologise for my act of selfishness.

A slice of cake, a candle, a stalk of rose. A multitude of love in eternity.

That is how much I would go for all those I love.

And I pray I would learn to go this far for strangers one day.

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Grand and Mini are Mutually Exclusive, NOT!

April 24, 2008 · Filed under Online Shopping, Wishlist · Tagged , , , ,

Lovely mini grand piano from Sega Toys! I’ve been eyeing it like since forever but the price is just so steep! Close to SG$800 with shipping if I get it from ebay! I’m trying to get my family to buy it for me for my 21st birthday. I mean, there’s a meaning to it if it was to be my 21st birthday present! I like all my presents to have some kind meaning. What better present to buy for a musician than a grand piano, albeit a mini one?

Grand Pianist by Sega Toys

Look! It even comes with a miniature chair, speaker not included.

Let me convince myself why I should get it if everybody thinks this is a total waste of money and I have to get it for myself:

1. It is not a toy! Every single key plays when you press it down!
2. I’m a musician, and what better way to prove it than having an upright, a digital, a keyboard and a mini GRAND?!
3. It comes preloaded with 100 songs and when you play a song the keys depress too! And you can buy more songs!

Since I’m on the topic of presents, I always think presents should have some kind of meaning. It shouldn’t just be a casual affair of getting anything, especially for people you love. What’s everyone’s mentality when they buy presents for others? Do they really want to get a gift to make their loved ones happy or is it just an over publicised and commercialised fact that one has to buy gifts for birthdays or anniversaries? I know it’s hard to think of gifts that mean something or gifts that a loved one might like, but I think an increasing number of people are getting the wrong idea of birthdays and anniversaries.

Even if one’s birthday was to be gift-free (i just coined a new word!), isn’t it enough to bask in the love, receiving well wishes that are really from the heart, being healthy and being with all those people you really love?

Back to my piano, apparently it doesn’t have too many convincing points to support my decision to get it. Nevertheless, I’m going to get it somehow.

I guess this goes to prove my love for music.

Or my extravagance.

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My Compositions: Angel

April 22, 2008 · Filed under My Compositions · Tagged ,

Angel

Click on song title to listen. Song Duration: 2:45

About the song:
As the title suggests, this song depicts an angel coming down to earth. In the song, we see the angel’s sadness at the sinful things humans do, human’s realisation and the angel finally returning back to heaven.

Music notes:
The starting of the song introduces the angel using high notes. The 7th note B, is heard almost immediately on the 2nd note. The song starts out soft, slow and peacefully to depict the angel in the sky slowly coming down to earth. To emphasize the slow floating movement, triplets are used to lengthen the notes. In the 8th bar, the minor key is brought in to depict sin and the angel’s sadness at human’s downfall. However, in the next few bars, it alternates between the major and minor to show that amidst chaos and sin, there is still hope. In the 20th bar, it’s a start of a new chapter when we see the angel’s bringing God’s message to human, and human’s realisation of their sins in the 24th bar. The pick up to the 28th bar shows human’s repentance. The diminished and minor key is used to show that even after repentance, humans still continue to make mistakes. The departure of the angel starts in the 35th bar, and in the 37th bar, running notes are used to show the angel’s flight back to heaven. The song end, again, with the 7th note B to add the feel of hope and sadness rolled into one. In the whole song, the use of the pedal is very prominent and important to create the floating and heavenly feel using the echoes of different notes and chords.

Composer’s note:
In this song, we see the world through an angel’s eyes. Therefore it is peaceful throughout and although sin is depicted, there is no violent display using loud or dissonant chords. Although punishmnent may be expected when sin is mentioned, it is not depicted in this song, since this song depicts an angel which does not have God’s authority to punish. Unlike some songs, no part of this song is repeated, to show that humans can only live one life, and neither is there repetition of any part of a man’s life.

Angel, composed on 10th May 2007
Copyright © Rachel Kang S.Y. All rights reserved.

Note: If you listen to the song via snapshot, it plays in midi in fast forward (I’m not sure why) but the original song is on the piano and much slower. If you click the link, the connection is unstable sometimes and you may not be able to load the whole song in your browser so just right click and download it.

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Losing Myself to Time

April 22, 2008 · Filed under Deep Thoughts and Aphorisms, Sadness · Tagged ,

I realise I’m missing so much from not studying anymore. I’m missing on being able to catch up with friends that might have studied in the same school as me and I know this is one part of me which I will never be able to experience. All of them are graduating soon and where does that leave me hanging?

It’s not too bad if you have a lot of people you still keep in touch with. As much as I’d like to believe it, I don’t think I was ever much of a people-person. Maybe it’s just the way I carry myself. Too much pride, some would say. Some people just have it all made for them. They have that natural charisma that draws people to them. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people. Sure, I can speak well. I articulate well. But I guess that leaves you nowhere if no one bothers about what you’re saying. Hypocrite, they whisper.

I’m not lamenting. I’m happy with the people I keep in contact with. But it’s just too sad looking at friends gathering but you’re not involved. I know it’s not because they didn’t want to invite me (that would have been much worse if I let myself think that), but because we’ve simply just lost touch. And it’s heart wrenching looking at photos of friends that once studied with you, even those you’ve once hated in your childish years. So much feelings just by looking at the screen and staring at those pictures. You want it so much, just to reach out and be able to touch their faces, and tell them say, I’ve really liked you once. To tell them, I’ve disliked you before, but now I want to know you once again.

I miss my friends. I really do. And I hope somewhere and someplace, someone out there is thinking of me. Thinking how good it would be to talk to me again. Maybe it’s because all these times I’ve not experienced someone I would really like to keep with me forever. I’ve once had this feeling, and I want to keep it with me. But it’s slipping through my fingers. I don’t know why it’s becoming harder communicating with people around me. I just want to see someone, hug them and tell them how much I’ve missed them. How much emotions have poured through me, into me and out of me as I sit here typing these out.

Maybe it’s because I’m becoming less adept in using words to communicate. Maybe I’ve never been able to talk about my feelings, or show them. Maybe it’s because I’m too proud to show them. But nothing can materialise the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’, or in my case, ‘a picture speaks louder than words’, more than looking at them having fun. The joy on their faces. Their lives documented in pictures and videos, but I’m on the other end of a lifeless screen. Nothing more than heat coming out from the desktop. No warmth, no friendliness, no love. Nothing.

And it’s on all these days that I feel worthless. Feel that I’m a total failure. Regret my actions in the past. Why didn’t I do this, or why didn’t I do that. Regret and remorse is multiplied ten, hundred, a thousand fold in these times. The emptiness of nothing eats at you. It devours you till you can’t see yourself anymore.

Looking at those photos may show I’m not someone worth keeping in touch with. It’s not a fact, and I know it, but it proves that human relationships are as fragile as it seems. Maybe even more. I’ve taken granted of all the times I could have made my life a little better, for then, the present or the future. I too, have lost touch with people I want to hold dear to, but sometimes one wonders where the fine line is between keeping in touch and being a bother. I try to tread carefully, too carefully in fact, that maybe I allow others to forget me.

I think it’s because I don’t have enough love in my heart to give. That’s why others don’t find enough love to give to me. Life is very fair, and that is how I want to see it. If I give enough care and concern to someone else without thinking too much about how they would view me, maybe one day I might reap something. I’ve deluded myself all this time in thinking love doesn’t need any kind of reciprocation. You give and expect nothing back. Sure, when I give I don’t expect anything. But when you see others basking in love, you want to be on the receiving end. You want it so much words cannot even begin to describe it.

Friends. You think they are something that comes into your life. You take them for granted. You love them and expect them to stay with you forever. One never expects them to leave. To completely erase you, or vice-versa, from their lives. Not by their will, but by time. One never truly understands the importance of having friendship. It’s too deep a knowledge to quantify or study. I know and I want to believe I have a place in their hearts. As big a place as they can give me. I feel like I’m slowly being squished out of everyone’s life. They are slowly forgetting me, and it’s beginning to look like the only evidence of me ever crossing their paths is my email on their MSN contact list. That thought in itself is totally heart wrenching. Everybody tells you they care, but sometimes one cannot help but doubt the extent of truth in such a superficial statement.

As reality sets in, I can’t see where my place on this earth is. But it’s right here, at the place where I am.

Where I’m standing, I feel like I’m slowly losing myself to time.

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Conclusion 1: I need more money

April 17, 2008 · Filed under Daily Events, Online Shopping · Tagged , , ,

Gosh, I wonder how many times there were when I thought maybe I’m born a girl but I lack feministic characteristics. That’s because every time my mum wants to bring me out to shop for clothes during chinese new year, or when she’s shopping for clothes, I feel so bored out of my life! On the other hand, I love gadgets to bits (I so need my iphone fix! Why is it still not in Singapore?!), so I thought maybe I’m actually a guy inside who likes gadgets but hates shopping for clothes. But you can’t really blame me actually. 3 guys in the family verses my mum, competing for influence in my life! Obviously I’m into gadgets and cars! I’m still a design-freak I stress.

But only till today, or should I say, only till today did realisation strike, that I’m a PURE SHOPAHOLIC at heart! I absolutely cannot stop shopping. ONLINE shopping that is. Only till today did I realise, it’s not that I don’t like to shop for clothes, it’s because I’m a SLOTH and I’m too lazy to walk around shopping for clothes! TADAA! This proves I’m feminine! Ju has totally turned me into an addict.

What’s worse is I’m also thrifty and fickle, on top of being a true blue shopaholic. So I see something I like. Then I look at the price. Then I have 2nd thoughts. Then I tell myself not to buy on impulse. Remind myself of the 2 weeks cool down period. Then Miss-Fickle sets in and I continue hovering between the to-buy and not-to-buy. I honestly have a lot of issues! So what happens? The shopaholic in me wants everything, but in the end the thrifty me gets some items that doesn’t amount to a total above $50. Singapore Dollars! That is just pathetic! And every single item belongs in the SALE category. I’m beginning to act like a total ‘auntie’ but I’m not even 21!

Maybe I’m a schizophrenic shopaholic?

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Come on! I’m a music teacher with money! I’m not filthy rich but I pay my own insurance, give money to my parents and plan to support myself through my university education! I choose not to work on tuesdays, fridays and sundays and still have a substantial amount of cash, so why am I so hard on myself? Shopping for clothes is the fundamentals of being female! Even when I eat, I have to count how much I’m using! Like lunch everyday when I’m working costs $1.40 for plain rice and one kind of vegetable. Which working and perfectly healthy adult buys lunch for $1.40?!

I’ve found a perfectly normal explanation for all these.

I’m crazy.

Craziness aside, I’ve bought 3 items today from Forever21 thanks to Ju’s spree.

1. Empress Rope Dress: US$13.50
It was time I got a dress because as a musician, you always need dresses for concerts and an extra dress in the wardrobe never hurt anyone. I was bold and ordered it in blue instead of my usual black.
Empress Rope Dress

2. Brilliant Knit Tunic: US$7.50
This just looked fantastic the first time Ju showed it to me and it was cheap. I needed something pink to go with my pink Victoria Secret cardigan anyway.
Brilliant Knit Tunic

3. Opulent Stone Ring: US$6
This just spells TAI TAI. Enough said.
Opulent Stone Ring

And these are the items I wanted to buy before Little-Miss-Thrifty started talking.

1. Flutter Metal Cuff: US$5.80
Very class, but rejected because I was afraid it might be too big.
Flutter Metal Cuff

2. Save The Whales Tee: US$16.90
This was the one thing that had me going up and down. It’s so super cute and I’m in the tee-ing mood these days. Too bad it got rejected because it was just too expensive! I can never convince myself to get a tee for SG$20 and above.
Save The Whales Tee

3. Metallic Geisha Tunic: US$22.80
Very special, with an asian flavor, but SG$30++ for a top? My conscience won’t forgive me in a thousand years.
Metallic Geisha Tunic

4. Ricky Wedge Sandals: US$19.80
Very beautiful, very sexy, but the heels are not high enough to grant it an exception for its price. The metallic pink is just totally on another level though.
Ricky Wedge Sandals

5. Striped Lucite Bangle: US$9
This bangle totally looks like it just walked out of candyland. Anything so delicious looking should be bought even if I don’t wear bangles at all. It has turned me into a convert! But the price!
Striped Lucite Bangle

6. Boomer Peeptoe Flat: US$17.80
Very cute with the pink faux leather and all, but flats and short people like me, we just don’t exist in the same dimension. If only it were under SG$10. I would have gotten it in a heartbeat even if it was doomed to be a mere decoration on my shoe rack.
Boomer Peeptoe Flat

Amount I should have spent: US$119.10
Amount Spent: US$27
Amount I didn’t spent because of Little-Miss-Thrifty: US$92.10

I’ve come to one conclusion.

I need more money.

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Cleaning my palate

April 15, 2008 · Filed under Daily Events, Musings · Tagged ,

Journaling seems to be like what an egg, or mushroom (must be a nice mushroom, mind you), does to a meal. Eggs, or mushroom for any matter, cleans the entire palate. I don’t know if it’s the right description, but I always like to finish my meal with the egg which I saved for last. Journaling the day’s event is just like that too. Gives you the feeling that your day is about to end. Not in the literal meaning of course, since it’s already 3 in the morning. So technically speaking, my day ended 3 hours ago and the day which I am speaking of has just started.

Actually I had my day all planned out. Tuesday is my only rest day of the week so it requires detailed planning so I wouldn’t let my only rest day go to waste. I was to go for piano lesson at 10 in the morning, then I’ll go visit 大伯 and 大伯母. Mummy wanted me to bring some korean vcds which she promised them. I figured out I didn’t want to strain my shoulder so I brought the thinnest vcd box. the others were huge! During piano lesson, Ju called and told me the VS stuff arrived! So I thought I would go over to Hougang to visit and collect my cardigan from her. After my lesson, I called Fel to ask for directions to Hougang and found out there was a straight bus to Hougang. Great! Unfortunately, all my lovely plans were dashed when 大伯 told me they were going to be out for the day. Since I had time to kill, I decided to visit grandma.

Bought her 鱼片汤, 豆花, 洋糁水 and some vegetable buns, and walked in the hot sunshine all the way to the nursing home. Nevermind, Vitamin D. I realised maybe grandma doesn’t like fish soups anymore. I think everyone has been buying her that since the doctors told us to cut down on oily food otherwise it would clog her arteries and she’s getting tired of it. Moreover, she has a hard time chewing through the vegetables. She enjoyed the 豆花, though I regretted not telling the vendor to leave out the sugar syrup. I did want to tell him to leave it out, but I thought it would be very tasteless and I wanted her to eat something sweet instead of something tasteless which she gets fed everyday. I did tell him to put less sugar syrup though. Next time I’m going to tell him I want very. little. syrup.

Came home after visiting grandma, and slept for the entire day in hunger up till 8 pm.

Wanted to write about the time spent with grandma, but I guess I got carried away with the day’s events. I’ll leave that for another entry since it requires serious and deep thoughts.

Cleaning out my palate for the day.

Not very tasteful.

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Procrastination as my Nemesis

April 15, 2008 · Filed under Practice Logs · Tagged , ,

I’ve decided that practising is decidedly hard. First I get a cramped hand, then the computer, the bed, the television and etceteras start to tempt me. No, first I get irritated by my tone, then come the temptations, then the cramped hand, then more temptations. I don’t know what’s wrong with my hand. It’s either the blood rushes down too fast or the blood can’t get to my hand. I’ve yet to do my scales, and the exams are in a few months. Not 1, but 2 exams. Piano and flute. And as icing on the cake? I’ve got concerts on the 14th and 21st of June. Need more icing? Sure! I have to prepare for accompaniment for my student’s exam and prepare my students for concerts and exams. Who says you can’t have the cake and eat it? I’m choking on it!

Procrastination, my nemesis. Or is it, sloth? I need to find some place quiet without all the materialistic temptations. Maybe it’s not me? Maybe Singapore is just to small for me to find a good place to practise.

Yup, it’s their fault.

Songs practised:
J.S. BACH Flute Sonata BWV 1030 (Presto)
J.S. BACH Partita in A minor BWV 1013 (Corrente, Sarabande)

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Delectable, Detestable Delusions

April 14, 2008 · Filed under Deep Thoughts and Aphorisms · Tagged , , , ,

Always wanted to start this journaling business but I always thought it’s a little stupid because I can just keep all my feelings to myself. No real need to type or say anything out. But recently I’ve been feeling this urge to say a lot of things. And I think it’s even more stupid to talk to Little-Miss-Imaginary. I don’t really like to open up my heart to others because I feel like others will judge me for who I am. I don’t feel like I should bother people about it, and on the other hand, maybe I’m just afraid to face the truth that they really can’t be bothered about the problems I have. Covering up myself with a lot of layers doesn’t matter anymore to me. I’m always smiling, or well, angry, but never sad. I’m too proud to allow others to see me in any kind of depressed state.

These few days I’m questioning myself if I’m really happy. Apparently I want to think I am living happily, so I delude myself into thinking I’m happy. Sure, I’m not depressed, but neither am I really elated with my life. It’s getting a little mundane for me. I want to do something new, but I’m still thinking of my family for every single decision I make. I feel like I still can’t get out of this living-for-others cycle. But I’m not fighting it either. Because I like thinking that others are happy. I wouldn’t call myself self sacrificial. I’m not so egoistic to call myself that. I just need something new to spice up my life a little. Teaching is cool, it’s fun, especially when I’m teaching music, something I really like. And these days I’m also questioning myself. Do I really like music so much? Or am I just holding on to something real? The only real thing in my life that’s worth holding onto? Is that why I delude myself into believing I really love music to that extent?

So many things to delude oneself about. When is it going to stop? Do we, or do I really want to stop deluding myself? The more I think the more I feel like I can’t let go of certain things because sometimes I really feel like such a failure. Well, it’s not too bad to be a failure if I still think I’m worth something. I’m a failure who’s not exactly worthless. That’s still something isn’t it? It’s good there are musicians and lyricists out there who help us relieve our emotions through songs. It makes you think a lot about who you are and your purpose in life.

I’m a little disappointed with my friends sometimes. I feel such bitterness but I’m definitely sure it’s not jealousy. I may delude myself about my personal stuff, but when it comes down to others, I’m always honest. I just feel like she’s worth so much more than who she thinks is worthy of her. She deserves something much better. And as for him, I’m just disappointed he can use his friends and look down upon our feelings. It’s a literal step on our dignity. Everybody should learn that lies don’t help you get friendship or relationships. I should learn that too. I have my own skeletons in my closet, so why am I acting so dignified? Friendship and relationships should be maintained only with one’s heart. Nothing more is required. Nothing. At least I’ve tried my best. I’m definitely not deluding myself into saying I’m using the whole of my heart, because I am. Even if I was to end the friendship, I’ve ended it on a sweet note. I gave her a treat, whether it’s to end the friendship or symbolize the friendship I never had a chance to materialize or speak of. Sometimes I feel like such a fool because I don’t think she appreciates it. I don’t want others to think I’m poking my nose into their matters because I really am not. It’s so hard to be concerned for someone because sometimes it’s so hard not to cross the thin line between true concern and nosiness. I truly hope that for myself, I can be honest to myself and to others that I want to show my concern. I think actions really speak a thousand words.

I am thankful though, that I still have friends whom I can count on and know that they really care for me. Though I can see certain character flaws in them too, but no one is perfect, and who am I as an extremely flawed person to judge. But at least for one, they care, using actions, not words. I’m very happy sometimes when I talk to her, she seems really interested in how I’m going to mould my future. I discuss my inner hopes, my dreams and my ambitions with her. She doesn’t put me down, she encourages me and I feel like my life has steered in a certain direction because of her. She’s always concerned with my next step, reminds me to do certain things, helps me with my life. She’s one of the people I open up most too, because I feel like she doesn’t judge me. I wouldn’t call her my best friend or anything like that, and I regret that she is concerned more for me than I am for her. For this I am sorry to her. Maybe it’s because in this relationship she takes the driver’s seat. So I just sit back and enjoy the concern she gives me. Nevertheless, I promise to do whatever I can for her. I hope God gives me more strength and space in my heart for her. I hope our relationship improves for the better, especially on my part.

Very fair isn’t it? Life gives some and takes some. I hope I see life always like that. Count my blessings, give and share the love God has given me to those around me. Need more time, not to earn more money but to share more love. Need to break down my walls of pride, learn to accept everyone.

Humility and love, is of utmost importance.

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Why?

April 14, 2008 · Filed under Random

I figured I needed a blog so I can update my Journler on my mac on the go since I can’t save it anywhere else when I’m outside.

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